With a condition like Fibromyalgia it is very difficult not to ask the question, Why Me? Especially on days when a simple task like doing the grocery shopping leaves me feeling like I am being eaten from the inside out. An army of monsters with steel claws and sharp teeth gnawing and tearing at every muscle and joint in my body, leaving it hard for me to move or even to breathe.
The body deceives me sometimes, getting my hopes up by giving me days where the pain is bearable. Bearable enough for me to enjoy a walk in the forest with the kids or a day in the garden but then suddenly like a bolt out of the blue the pain once again rises up on me.
But on these days I have to keep reminding myself that a mere 9 months ago I was incapable of driving anywhere, cooking a meal or even reading a book and it was so for the two years previous to that. I'm slowly finding my way out of this dark and difficult time but the monster still lives within always ready to let it's presence be known.
On my bad days the Why Me? question follows me everywhere I often look at people my own age and wonder what it is like to have a full busy day, going to work and having a career or studying and not feeling any pain at all. It has been seven years since I have been able to do any of that and it often feels like I have sometimes been cheated. Cheated out of a proper life. Incapable only of being an observer and not a participator as life seems fly by the windows of my house, like some weird episode of Dr. Who. But I must not let self pity take hold because it will not be friend of mine. It will only crush me and steal my soul.
Something that took me quite a long time to learn is that I am not my pain and my pain is not me. It is only a part of me. And this realisation hit me like a streak of lightening. Illuminating the massive mistake that I was making. Before this I would it feel like the pain had taken over so much of my life and controlled each and every thing that I did and I had really forgotten all about me. I became my pain in a way. Incapable of imagining life without it. I once said that I thought that I would be lonely without it because it had been with me for each and every day for seven years. Like a person you don't like but always seems to be around. It took me a month doing EFT every day with Karin in Germany to make me see what was really happening. I was being smothered by this terrible condition. And now I realise that we are two seperate entities living in the same body.
Even though I still have my bad times, I'm grateful that I have come so far in the last 9 months. I am Rosanna once more and I make the most of each and every break that I have from my chronic pain.